I was feeling rather worthless yesterday.
I don’t know the reason for why i was feeling this way, but what i feeling was a deep sensation of “what’s the point?”.
I’ll try to summerize. Anything i can do, or make, there’s someone who can do it better. I accept that, but it’s harder when it comes to actually knowing people who can do every single thing better then i do (not the same person, though).
I’m not questioning my individuality, yes, i’m unique, no one has the same combination of skills and qualities as i do. But i feel none of them make me “worthy”.
I’ll give you a couple of examples.
I can’t find my self get enthusiast by anything lately. All my hobbies, my crafting, my creations. It’s like i don’t care for anything any more.
for instance, It seems that nobody cares about my model making. and those that do, only show a slight appriciation, and usually it because they’re model builders themselves who are MUCH better then me. And most of them don’t care for sci-fi models, but only about military airplanes. None of my friends show any enthusiasm about it.
I used to have friends who’ll go out of their way about TV shows, and movies like star wars, or star trek. But nowadays, it feels very routine. Nobody cares that Episode III is about to come out in less then a year, nobody cares that i play Star Wars Galaxies all too much.
The worst thing is Music. I like all sort of music styles, one of them is Dance. I used to make music a few years back, but gave it up for venturing in other areas of life. Now, working for a sound company, with a lot of musician co-workers, i tried re-making music. I took one of the songs my roommate at work made, and made a remix of it. The first draft was pretty nice, although a lot of work still has to be done before it can be published. I played it to a few of the people here. Nobody seems to care about it. The best i got was “It’s Nice”. no “Wow’s!”, no “Great !”. I didn’t get any “!”‘s from nobody about anything.
You know what ? yeah. that’s the thing.
I don’t get any !’s from anyone about anything i care for lately. I get a lot of “…”‘s and some “.” and somtimes a “?”, but that’s from people who aren’t as deep into geeky stuff like me. but no “!”‘s. and especially no “!!!!!!!!!!!!”‘s which is what i REALLY need right now.
for instance, i’ll refer you to the “WOOOHOOO ! Episode III !!!! Revenge of the sith !!! YEAH !!!!
Noone will go out of their way about anything i like or do. I don’t feel that there’s anyone as devoted as i am to the stuff i like. Not any of my friends.
It’s like everybody’s stuck in their own world, with their own hobbies, and own occupation, and my hobbies or occupation isn’t related to any of them. It used to be diffrent, I used to have friends who would leave everything just to see an episode of their favorite TV show with me, or to play some adventure game with me.
Nowadays, it’s excuses: Naaaaah.. i can’t come. “I need to … ahmmm.. babysit my brother”. “I have some family obligation”, “i’m too tired”.
My friend used to be excited about stuff, which made me excited about stuff, I used to hear stuff like : “Hey ! wanna go to the Taam Hair ? It’s a GREAT food festival ! there’s TONS of resteraunts ther ! and TON of expensive food all together at the same place ! and there’s a lot of happy pepople parting together, with loud fun music !! COME ON ! let
go ! today !”
Now what i hear is: “Nah. Taam hair is no fun. It’s crowded, and you can’t really eat anythign while standing, and there’s noise and people everywhere and you can’t move, i think i’ll pass”
Is there something wrong with me ? or with my friends ?
I’ll leave you with a quote from Star Trek, Next Generation, from the episode “Remember Me”, Beverly Crusher says:
“If there’s nothing wrong with me, there must be something wrong with the universe”
And i just remembered the other quote, which i AM HOPING VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY much that at least ONE of you will recognize and will be exiceted about:
“If you can read this, you don’t need glasses”